The Most Aweseomest Guy Ever

So, I was sitting there in the dentist’s waiting room, right? I’ve been there a while and I’m struggling to stay awake. The TV had a cheesy, dental infomercial thing. They were advertising all sorts of whiting, cover-ups, replacements, how much your gums kick ass... Apparently, some people are born with really large mouths that let others see their wisdom teeth just with a simple smile. To correct this, some people with freakishly large mouths have their teeth whitened so it blinds people whenever their mutant teeth find light. I was starting to get cramped, so I start changing positions. I put my right ankle on my left knee. Crossed my arms. I leaned down and put my head in my lap. I pulled up my other foot. I sucked in my arms. Eventually, I was a perfect ball laying on the floor. It makes for a great, full-body stretch.

Just as I start to untangle myself to get back in my chair, some kid snatches me up. He put me on the inside of his elbow and held me between it and his side. He had managed to put his arm right on my knee, which was the first step in unballing myself. I needed to pull my leg to the side before I could move anything else. My mouth was crammed into my wrist, so I couldn't say anything. The kid, with Mom in tow, leaves the office with me. What the Hell? I mean, I knew I wasn't his. I knew I wasn’t one of the toys left for kids to play with. For all intensive purposes, this kid just stole a ball. Just came in and picked me up. Plus, the mother didn’t say a thing. She just let him run off with me. The kid doesn’t let go until he threw me in the car. I couldn’t unball then. That would have just been weird. If I had popped out to normal size, the kid would have been scarred for life, and the mom would probably kick the crap out of me. What could you possibly say after unballing in stranger’s car? So, I just stayed where I was thrown.

The two didn’t say a word to each other on the way to their house. Mom had on a top 40 radio station, and the kid had a Disc-Man with 50 Cent playing. I could hear both at the same time; 50 Cent coming from the seat in front of me and latest pop hits coming from the speakers in the back of the car. Three 50 Cent songs and five pop hits later, the car stops in a driveway. There was some quick banter about cleaning rooms, taking an older brother to soccer practice, putting the dishes away... I couldn’t tell who said what, because the music had made my ears bleed and pop.

They were leaving the car without me and I was hoping he had forgotten me. I was wrong. With a little bag of tooth aiding products in one hand, he picks me up with the other. Damn. I was going to have to wait until I was alone in this house, unball, and sneak out of the house without being seen. Or, I was going to be thrown at the basketball hoop once, fall to the ground, and left there. It was the second. I hit the backboard at the very bottom, just touching the net. I fell straight down and bounced three or four times before stopping in the side yard. That’s where I sat for several minutes to make sure no one was around. With no human sounds in audible range, I started to unball. It took a lot longer than it should have since I had cramped up horribly. I had to lay there a bit to get myself together before getting up.

When I finally got to my feet, I turned around to see an old man looking at me. He had on a baseball cap with two cones of bushy white hair on each side. There was a bike with him, but he was just holding it next to him. A small radio was in his breast pocket with ear-phones attached. He was the most awesome guy ever.

“Hey,” I mumbled. His eyes looked me over, trying to figure me out, but he didn’t say a word. “Uh, do you live here?” I pushed. Nothing. As awesome as the guy was, I was getting uncomfortable. “Well, I should be heading back home, now.” It was like being with a store mannequin gone wrong. Sad that he wouldn’t talk to me, I just gave a languid wave and made my way to the road. I only got to the end of the driveway when I realized I had no idea where I was. I looked down both sides of the street, but nothing looked familiar. I was mentally flipping coins to pick a direction to go, when I was suddenly very aware of someone behind me. I turned slowly, and it was the silent, awesome guy. He was still just staring at me, silently. “You, uh, wouldn’t know how to get back to Alliance from here, would you?” I don’t think he’d even blinked yet. I started looking around for a pay phone or a sign, anything that might be useful. When my eyes get back to the man, he turned to his left, went to the right side of the road, and started walking. After a few steps, he stopped and looked back at me. Awesomeness turned into creepiness for a second. He was the only helpful person/item around, so I started after him.

I couldn’t hear any music coming from his earphones, but he was bobbing his head to a silent beat. The bike was rusted and looked old, but it didn’t make a sound. It was like he was in a cone of awesome silence. Creepiness melted right back to awesomeness, even though I knew there was still a possibility he was leading me to some dungeon instead of my car. The houses along the way lacked enough character to really warrant description. There were a lot of them though. We were walking slowly, apparently taking our time. After maybe twenty minutes, we were walking out of the neighborhood complex and into a pretty busy street. Proving his awesomeness, the man walked into the street without moving his head, and without stopping at all. Cars flew passed him, stopped, swerved within inches of him, but he never jumped or stopped once. There were two or three minor accidents because of him, but nothing serious. Less confidently, I started across the street. I ran, jumped, dodged, and had things thrown at me. On the other side of the street, I gasped for air while the guy waited for me. I wanted to ask why we couldn’t have used the crosswalk up the street, but I honored our non-spoken agreement to stay quiet. A few seconds later, he started moving again. I still had no idea where we were. There were shops, gas stations, restaurants, but nothing familiar. Picking up his bike a few inches off the ground, he stepped up onto a sidewalk. He made no effort at all to get out of anyone’s way. A few cocksure folks played chicken with him, but they all lost. Not once did he flinch or even turn his head. “Is he blind?” “Get your grandpa off the sidewalk.” “Jackass!” No one seemed to like him much.

As slow as we were going, it didn’t seem I’d have to worry about him running into anyone’s back. But after a while, I spotted a group of people standing in a small circle talking down the way. When we got closer, I looked around the man to see trendy clothes wrapped under Letterman jackets. The awesome man was about to run into pop-jocks. I just knew these were the type of high school guys that would throw down at any time to prove their balls were still in their pants. I looked around for a cop car or anyone that might be helpful. Everyone was useless. I was attacked by panic. I felt like I couldn’t do anything to stop the collision. It’s like when you’re about to hit a deer and he’s just all metaphoric; all you can do is hit the breaks, but you’re still going to hit him. I slowed my pace and as we got closer to the group, I stopped to watch. The bike the awesome guy held next to him ran into the leg of one of the pop-jockers. The jocker fell forward a bit then turned around.

“What’s your problem, man?! Nothing to say?” The kid moved closer to the man, trying to threaten him. The most awesome man ever moved his head for the first time since I started following him to face the boy. He didn’t change his expression or say a word, but the boy started to look as if his plan, which he never had, was just killed. The man reached out an arm and patted the boy on the head, almost lovingly. Like you would pet a dog that had just brought you the tennis ball. And just like that, he was back on his way. The boys on the other side of the circle moved out of his way as he went, just as if nothing had happened. I ran to catch up, then just followed.

I didn’t care where we were going at this point. I didn’t care if I ever got back home. He was a super hero, and I was his sidekick. Our secret identities were nameless people walking the street in silence, not worth a second glance. I still kind of wish I had gotten my teeth cleaned that day.